Less Than Three Stories #2

Parents Rescued After Chasing Teddy Over Cliff

I'm often inspired when I read ridiculous and intriguing headlines. At first I was unsure if the parents were chasing a lingerie teddy  or an actual teddy bear. It turns out, it was a teddy bear. Unless the child was actually in the teddy bear, I see no such reason to chase it over a cliff and nearly kill yourselves. Nevertheless, if my dear, beloved Teddy (Yes, that's his name. Shut up. I was a toddler.) were to somehow stumble off a cliff I would call the National Guard, FBI, Italian Mafia and any other group to sacrifice themselves to get him. I still sleep with the thing for crying out loud. I've tried to quit. I just don't feel the same in the morning without noticing that he is no longer in my arms but rather on the floor after being tossed in my sleep. I'll never understand how the thing is still in almost one piece after nearly 21 years. He's a fighter and if he wasn't dingy, dirty and on the verge of being headless, I would save him for my future children.

On a completely unrelated note, I hate my internet router. The other one decided to give up after being alive for nearly a year. We bought a new one who's decided not to allow me to have internet in my room unless I sit by the cold and drafty door. Even then, it disconnects once about oh, every two and a half minutes. In fact, as I write this entry and Blogger attempts to save a draft, my internet jollily shouts back "SCREW YOU!" and shuts off. Also, my phone has stopped working. I'm beginning to think that my room is just a dead zone for technology. If those creepy kids from the Verizon commercial show up, I'm almost positive that will be the final kick in the ass I need to get the hell out of here. I don't dig ghost children, or any ghosts for that matter. Ironic, since most people that I enjoy being around are pale and don't speak...hey...wait a minute. Ew.

On another unrelated note, well it's sort of related; whatever. My school requires that all students take a writing proficiency exam after completing the basic English requirements. After taking those, in addition to four upper-division courses, I decided it was time to expose my lack of formal writing ability. I went like a zombie (See? Zombie? Ghost?) to school at the ungodly hour of 8 a.m. on a Saturday. The only time a person should be up at 8 a.m. on a weekend is if they are still trying to get a ride home from the night before. OMG SOMETHING JUST BLEW UP! Oh just kidding, my Dad has assured me it was thunder. Sorry, we don't have weather in Los Angeles very often. Anyway...I went to take this unnecessary test. I willingly sat in the seat they told me to, turned off my cell phone and read the instructions on the board. Ok, no talking...no outside notes....no thesurus. Wait. What? Oh for the love of all that is mighty....Let me get this straight. These people are going to be grading whether or not I am a proficient writer and they can't spell THESAURUS?! I immediately began laughing my ass off and was given the warning look by the proctors. I should have just written my essay about the importance of spell check. *checks spelling* If I didn't pass, there will be hell to pay. I took a picture with my phone that I didn't turn off all right? Yeah, that's right. Take that! I am small but mighty. Fear me.

Less Than Three Stories #1

This isn't so much a story. It was an e-mail to my Dad that was the result of intense boredom, the influence of Midol and the need to have word open so that I could keep my computer in the lab.

Scientists Determine Head-Banging is Bad for Health: A Story of My Day

 

    It all began with the annoying thing where you wake up a half an hour before you are actually supposed to so it's too short of a time to fall back asleep but too long of a time to just lie there and do nothing. Sadly, I tried the latter. Twenty measley minutes later, I was awaken by a shadowy Mom with a towel head. I really shouldn't bother setting my alarm anymore. Still, it's a really awesome song so it's nice to hear at the ungodly hour of 6:30am. I got up and observed my dark, puffy eyes as I do every morning and then forced myself to get ready. In a magically fast hour, I was ready to leave after filling my stomach with some scrumptous oatmeal courtesy of the man in the weird hat. As I traveled along the death trap known as the 10 freeway, I head-banged to my new Paramore CD that was blasting as loud as possible for Ed. Yes, I head-banged and drove. It's a skill. I would later learn, thanks to Yahoo! News, that this is apparently bad for my health. Screw them, it's fun and keeps me awake.

 

    I arrived at "Hey! Let's Build a School on a Fault Line....Oops" way too early. I continued to head bang in my car successfully scaring anyone around me into thinking that I was having a seizure. After I decided to no longer try to kill myself, I walked as slow as humanly possibly to Biology. I like Bio because it reminds me of Twilight which simultaneously makes me happy and pathetic. Luckily for me, my teacher acknowleged this fact and said that we should all ace the subject mentioned in the book. I assured him I would, and would also like to pass the rest of the sections as well. He said that was up to me and I sat there for the next hour asking him about Mars. Why are we learning about Mars in Bio? My next class consisted of writing down the teacher's e-mail and saying "Here". That was it. Usually, I would be overjoyed, but this lead to the beginning of a disgusting five-hour torture session. For the first two hours, I sat and wrote down whatever came into my head. This did nothing except make me realize that I may have to start seeing a therapist again. I also became nauseated by the smell of manure and spent twenty minutes trying to figure out where it was coming from. I never did. I text everyone I knew, threw down my next dose of God's Wonder Drug (For Women) AKA Midol  (The one for men is apparently Viagra)and sat and contemplated which floor of the physical sciences building I could jump off of and still survive. It was two moments before I acutally was ready to experiment it all out that I decided it would just be better to come to the computer lab and google anything that came to mind. I still have an hour and a half to kill.

 

    This is quite successfully the longest afternoon ever known to mankind. I fear I shall not make it. In the event that I decide to try my jumping experiment, I would like to leave all my Twilight paraphenalia to the boys so that they may one day learn to sparkle as Edward does. Seriously, he sparkles. You should totally see it. It's hilarious. Oh, he climbs trees like a rabid squirrel too. I freaking hate that movie. And by hate, I mean love unconditionally. Or irrevocably. That's from the book/movie. Check the poster on the back of my door. How do you pronounce that word? I say it one way and they said it another way in the movie which really pissed me off because apparently I've spent my entire life saying it wrong. I came out of the womb, said irrevocably and it was wrong. Dammit. Whatever. She thinks vampires sparkle, she knows nothing. I'm right. So, this concludes the story of my day, thus far. You shall hear the rest later. Oh, please forgive any spelling mistakes. This computer has a good for nothing spell check and I'm on drugs...the legal kind of course. Happy Birthday!

 

Sincerely with boredom and a head-banging injury,

Your incredibly awkward and cynical daughter

 

 

PS: There's a girl on the computer across the lab who's web-camming herself. She's looks like a freaking moron. The end.

16 Things

1. I collect things that say the word "love" on them. I don't know why I started doing it, but I get happy when I see all the things I've collected so far.
2. In the past year, I've become incredibly happy/hyper and slightly more positive. Unfortunately, this has caused me to be incredibly clumsy and I fall down/trip multiple times daily.
3. I'm incredibly over-sensitive. 
4. My favorite movie will forever be Beauty and the Beast. Mock me if you must, it's not changing!
5. I name my possesions. My computer is named Clancey, my car is Ed (after the hyena in The Lion King) and my iPod is Cameron.
6. I hate when people use the wrong you're/your, two/too/to...etc.
7. The snow at Disneyland makes me cry. No, not just teary eyed but full on crying...and I have NO CLUE why.
8. I would love to be a journalist.
9. I religiously read a gossip blog on LiveJournal. 
10. I think having vent days at Starbucks with my best friends has done more good for me than seeing a counselor ever did.
11. I love lime Tostitos. I can finish a bag on my own.
12. I actually enjoy being kind of short.
13. I have an overly active imagination that causes vivd dreams. I have had to refrain from reading or watching TV before bed because of it. See: totally creepy Twilight dream about mutant babies. Ew.
14. Reading makes me happy.
15. I love, adore and cherish...post its. Seriously. They're amazing.
16. My favorite song is "Moonlight Serenade".